Compliments. We all love to get them. Have you ever noticed how the majority of compliments we give and receive have to do with appearance or material possessions? We always mean for compliments to build people up but what if they are really making someone feel worse about themselves?
It seems like second nature to compliment someone on their appearance when we see them. But why? A couple of the main go-tos seem to be, “wow! you look so good today!” or “oh my gosh! I love your (insert material item here)”. While it is great to have our appearance acknowledged and it feels good to know we look good to others, I would argue that it feels even better to be complimented on things not related to our looks, such as talents, strengths, helpfulness, resiliency, etc. It can be very rewarding to have people take notice of the things we excel at.
I can recall many times during high school and college when people would comment on my body and complement me on my “runners physique”. I was a distance runner for many years and at one point during my college career I was extremely thin. People would always complement me on how skinny I was and tell me that I looked so good and healthy. The thing is, I really was not all that healthy. I was in pain a lot from injuries and exhausted from trying to run on too little calories. I would brush off my pains, tiredness and hunger and tell myself that this was how it was supposed to be. I mean people kept telling me that I “look so great” so I must have been doing something right. Right? Wrong.
After so many times of being told how great I look and how people wished they looked like me, I wanted nothing more than to keep looking the way I did. I found myself scared of eating too much and gaining weight. I let the comments of people get to me so much that I lost track of common sense. I was a distance runner running 60+ miles a week and weight training. My main focus should have been fueling my body with nutrient-dense foods and feeling satisfied with my nutrition and performance, not trying to satisfy others in order to keep getting compliments.
Looking back now, I really believe that if people had taken more time to compliment me on my performance in training and school, rather than on how I looked, I would have been in a better place mentally and physically.
It can become easy to focus on only the exterior. We all love to compliment our friends and family and let them know that we take notice, but how often do we stop to let them know just how much they really mean to us. Most people are not friends with people because of how they look. We tend to befriend those who we have things in common with and who add happiness to our lives. That being said, it can be extremely hard to compliment people on things that are not based on exterior qualities. The majority of us tend to shy away from getting too personal and letting others know how we really feel.
There are several ways that we can compliment those around us on their intrinsic qualities. While it is nice to be told that we look “pretty” or “handsome”, most of us would rather feel appreciated for our other qualities. It is so important that we start to shift our compliments away from appearance and towards personal traits. In a world where a person’s body is so stigmatized and criticized it is important that we let those we care about know that we value them for more than how they look.
It may be hard to get going, but saying even one non-appearance based compliment can change someone’s day. I have made a list of some of the things that I love to be complimented on, but remember that the possibilities are endless and can very from person to person!
Intuitive Health & Living 